Friday, November 27, 2009

Kitten Sashimi

The elderly librarian, Miss Maggle, had two kittens. Wiggles was a girl with stripey black and gray fur, and Sir Billingsworth (also known as Bill) was orange with a little white mask on his face. All the children in town loved to visit the library to play with the kittens.

One day, the kittens overheard Miss Maggle talking to a friend of hers on the telephone about something called "sushi".

"What is it?" Wiggles wondered, playing with a ball of yarn near the front desk.
"I heard it's a land of fish!" Bill replied knowingly, licking the back of his paw. Wiggles stopped playing, and sat straight up.
"A land of fish? How do you know?"
"I've heard her talking about tuna sa-.... something, and that's a fish, right? So it must be a land of fish!"

Miss Maggle bent over and pet the kittens both on the head.

"Be good, I'm going out for lunch with a friend and will be back in a few hours. Miss Adelle is here to watch over you while I'm gone." And with that, she grabbed her coat and left through the front door.

"Wiggles, we should go too!"
"But how are we going to get there? Besides, we have to stay, we're being watched!"
Sir Billingsworth rolled his little kitty eyes.
"That lady will be too busy reading books to notice that we're gone for a little while. I know a secret way out of the library!"

Wiggles knew that if they were caught, they'd be in big trouble. Even worse; they might get lost on the way to this Fishland!

"How do you know so much about it? What if we get lost?"
"What... are you scared? It's a land of fish! Think about all the yummy things we'll be able to eat when we get there!"
It's hard to argue about food when you're a hungry little kitten.

Bill, true to his word, led them through a broken grate in the back of the library. Both of them knew about places outside their library, but being out there alone was entirely different. Birds kept a safe distance as they strolled through the grass of the lawn out back, and quickly they came upon stairs that led downwards into a dark place.

"It's smelly down there, Bill, I don't know if we should go."
"But this is the way to Fishland! It's a magic people-mover... at least, I think so."

They both stood at the edge of the stairs. A few people walked up and down the stairs, not expecting to see two kittens there, so not noticing them. People sure were busy! Bill put one little paw onto the first step, then grinned.

"C'mon! I had to go down here once with our Lady, when I was sick. And I'm pretty sure the doctor was right near Fishland!"
"You sure are guessing a lot, Sir Billingsworth." Wiggles said, following him down the stairs into the ground.

A train was waiting when they got down the stairs. Wiggles wrinkled her nose, thinking it smelled worse down here than she'd expected. Bill wrinkled his nose as well, trying not to say anything about it. They got onto the train and ran to the very back, hoping no one noticed them sitting in the seats. They'd be in trouble then for sure!

"So do we need to do anything for this to take us to Fishland?" Wiggles asked.
"Maybe there's a button..."

Before either of them could look for a button, the train took off! They couldn't see anything except for the flashing lights outside their window, which scared both of them. They hid under the seat for the rest of the train ride, not used to things going by so quickly in the dark. When the train stopped, they both moved toward the door.

"Oh my goodness, what are two little kitties doing on the Subway?" A high voice asked.
"Oh no! Run, Wiggles!" Bill and Wiggles ran out of the train, onto a more busy platform, and straight up the stairs into the sunlight.

As luck would have it, Fishland was right next to the subway! A giant, smiling fish blinked on and off above a sign that said
"The Yellow Chopstick!" Bill said excitedly. "That's where our Lady said she was going before!"
The two ran to the back of the building, knowing that someone would be sure to notice two kittens going into the front door. A delicious fish smell filled the air, and Wiggles, for the first time, was not sad that she had come.

The back door was open a little, and the two walked into a clean little kitchen. No one seemed to be in sight, and there was a very conveniently placed chair against the counter. Almost as if it was made to allow kittens a look at the tasty treats above them!

Bill jumped first, leaping from the floor, to the chair, to the counter. Wiggles followed, and they found themselves staring at plates full of strange looking foods. Some of them smelled like fish, but others smelled like something else.

"What is all this? I thought fish had eyes?" Wiggles asked, poking the nearest food with her paw. It was in a little circle of rice, and only the red part of it smelled anything like the fish she knew. Bill looked upward, at a menu that hung as a guide near the fridge.

"I see the word tuna, but I don't know the other words!" Both of them turned around, and saw a large fish laying not so far away. It was the biggest fish they'd ever seen! "C'mon Wiggles, let's try it all!"

They both used their little paws to scoop up the bits of the dishes that looked most like fish. Some of it was creamy, some of it was crunchy, but all of it was delicious. Neither of them had ever tasted anything as wonderful as this in their whole kitten lives! They got through 13 different plates before someone appeared in the door way. They'd been so busy enjoying the sushi that they hadn't heard someone walking toward the kitchen.

"CATS! IN MY KITCHEN!" They both froze on the counter, and Sir Billingsworth had a few grains of rice stuck to his face. Another person appeared... their Lady! Oh no!

"Wiggles! Sir Billingsworth! What on Earth are you doing here?!"

Neither kitten knew what to do! This was their Lady, but shouldn't they run? Wiggles tried to look like she hadn't been eating sushi, but she also had grains of rice stuck all over her face.

"These are your cats?" The man said, sounding astonished. "How did they get here? Don't you come by subway?"
"Yes, I'm not sure how they got here, but I will take them home immediately! I'm so very sorry!"

The man chuckled.
"Well, maybe they deserved a little sushi after a trip like that."

Their Lady scooped them up into her arms, thanked the man, then took them back through the Subway, and to the library. She tried to scold them, but had a smile on her face the whole time she was doing it.
"Now, really, I want you two to stay here this time!" She said, setting them down next to the yarn Wiggles had been playing with before they left.

"Wasn't that good? That was the best food in the world!" Bill said, starting to clean himself.
"We could just have waited til she brought some back for us." Wiggles said, playing with the yarn again.
"A Princess always gets what she wants, Wiggles." He said, noticing for the first time that he had rice on his face. Wiggles stopped playing and stared at him.
"Bill, you can't be a Princess. Only girls can."
"Well... whatever. I got what I wanted, anyway."

Story Type: A Cute Kitten Misadventure (children's storybook worthy!)
Must Include: 13 different plates of sushi, an elderly librarian, and a smelly subway train
Must use the phrase: A princess always gets what she wants.
Bonus: No violence whatsoever! absolutely G-Rated or bust!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Egg nog, nog, noggin' on Heaven's door

Biff Bafferson doesn't just wake up; he wakes the FUCK up. One adrenaline fueled kick to the sheets causes them to wrap around his feet, causing him to thrash and curse, causing the neighbors in surrounding apartments to complain to their landlord. But he doesn't just live, he lives in ACTION. Every day is an adventure.

Abu Dhabi is trendy, is busy, is perfect for a man like Biff. But the tourists.. the tourists! He wakes at 0400 every day to avoid most of them, taking his power shower and putting on his adventure socks. Left first, then right.

Biff strode purposefully out of his apartment, slamming the door and locking it behind him. He glanced both ways, then stormed to the elevators. (He never half assed anything, not even a walk to the elevators.) Arriving on the bottom floor, in the already busy lobby, he felt that something was out of place.

His mailbox. Was covered. In graffiti.

A vein at his temple pulsed, and something within him snapped. It had been a fragile connection, to be sure, but this travesty on his own personal space... unacceptable.

"You just fucked with the wrong guy's mailbox!"

Biff Bafferson stormed purposefully back into the elevator, and back up the 30 floors to his apartment. In his apartment he found his sweet pair of M4s, and hooked each one over his shoulder. Nevermind that it wasn't the proper or safe way to carry them around. In fact, it wasn't technically legal to carry them around at all. But Biff only cared about justice, and justice sometimes just didn't give a FUCK. He slid on his sunglasses, passed a mirror, and flexed his muscles.

If only real life had an action soundtrack for Biff Bafferson. Instead, he made do with incomprehensible yells and snarls.

He ran down to the lobby, as real action heroes don't take the elevator. At the bottom, he kicked the door open and started firing on the unsuspecting people milling about the lobby. Luckily, no one was killed, as Biff had terrible aim. They screamed and dove for cover, or ran from the building. Biff quickly ran out of ammunition and realized, too late, he'd brought nothing extra.

He dove through the glass doors on the front of his building. More people screamed and scattered, but many onlookers simply looked on. What was this man doing waving around two very illegal-looking weapons, but not actually firing them?

Biff shoved a man off his scooter. When a motorcycle isn't immediately on hand, anything with two wheels will do. He took off, heading toward a local grocery store. An action hero becomes mighty thirsty after running down 30 flights of stairs and diving through a pane of glass. He drove the scooter straight through the large glass window of the grocery. Was everything glass in this city? Thank God it was, thought Biff, I have no time for doors!

Police sirens sounded in the distance. He was running out of time! And still had no idea who exactly he was looking for!

His eyes grew wide and wild, and he turned on the stunned store clerk.

"I'll find them and make them pay!"

The store clerk straightened up, and put on his own pair of sunglasses. He bent over and quickly withdrew a carton from behind the counter. A carton of delicious egg nog.

"No, Mr. Bafferson... you'll never find them."

It was a good thing no one else was in the grocery at that point, because they would never have believed what they saw next.

The clerk drew his arm back, and with the calm air of a criminal mastermind, lobbed the carton of delicious egg nog directly at the face of Biff Bafferson. The force of the impact caused the carton to split open, but not explode, sticking to his face. Stunned at the impact, Biff fell backwards onto the floor. Confused by this unexpected turn of events, our hero died tragically... drowned in a carton of delicious egg nog.

The police arrived, hearing nothing more than a story of illegal guns and a stolen scooter. They found a man on the floor, face concealed by a half-breathed carton of egg nog. They looked at the store clerk, who still wore his sunglasses. A moment of silence passed, and then the first police officer also slid on a pair of sunglasses.

"We'll take it from here."

The store clerk nodded.

Biff Bafferson's name was removed from his mailbox, which was suspiciously free of graffiti when the police returned to his apartment building. A hero died tragically, but at least his action socks were clean.

Story Type: High Octane Action Story

Must Include: Someone who only uses M4s, the location: Abu Dhabi, UAE - 0400 hours, and a carton of delicious egg nog

Must use the phrase: “You just fucked with the wrong guy’s mailbox!”

Bonus: Someone uses the egg nog as a lethal weapon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Mother Goose Knows Best

A banana, an apple, went walking one day
Two merrier souls were never
The apple, so dapple, all smiles and shines
The banana thought himself so clever
They happened upon Mister Apricot,
And they both stood just out of reach
The Banana called out, 'Hey there, you lout!
You look like the son of a peach!'
Now the Apricot, a lonesome chap
Decided to show them their places
'You ignorant fruit, I don't give a toot,
But I warn you, don't be such a racist!'
After the teasing occurred more and more
Mister Apricot caved to his ire
He kicked down the door, and planted C4
And brought his s'mores for the fire
And this is where our story ends
Banana and Apple were caught unaware
The resulting explosion, like poetry in motion
A flaming fruit salad in air!

Story Type: A Mother Goose Tale

Must include: a mistaken identity, a talking food item, and it must end with something exploding into flames

Must use the phrase: “Don’t be such a racist!”

Bonus: Make mostly everything rhyme or pun