Thursday, November 26, 2009

Egg nog, nog, noggin' on Heaven's door

Biff Bafferson doesn't just wake up; he wakes the FUCK up. One adrenaline fueled kick to the sheets causes them to wrap around his feet, causing him to thrash and curse, causing the neighbors in surrounding apartments to complain to their landlord. But he doesn't just live, he lives in ACTION. Every day is an adventure.

Abu Dhabi is trendy, is busy, is perfect for a man like Biff. But the tourists.. the tourists! He wakes at 0400 every day to avoid most of them, taking his power shower and putting on his adventure socks. Left first, then right.

Biff strode purposefully out of his apartment, slamming the door and locking it behind him. He glanced both ways, then stormed to the elevators. (He never half assed anything, not even a walk to the elevators.) Arriving on the bottom floor, in the already busy lobby, he felt that something was out of place.

His mailbox. Was covered. In graffiti.

A vein at his temple pulsed, and something within him snapped. It had been a fragile connection, to be sure, but this travesty on his own personal space... unacceptable.

"You just fucked with the wrong guy's mailbox!"

Biff Bafferson stormed purposefully back into the elevator, and back up the 30 floors to his apartment. In his apartment he found his sweet pair of M4s, and hooked each one over his shoulder. Nevermind that it wasn't the proper or safe way to carry them around. In fact, it wasn't technically legal to carry them around at all. But Biff only cared about justice, and justice sometimes just didn't give a FUCK. He slid on his sunglasses, passed a mirror, and flexed his muscles.

If only real life had an action soundtrack for Biff Bafferson. Instead, he made do with incomprehensible yells and snarls.

He ran down to the lobby, as real action heroes don't take the elevator. At the bottom, he kicked the door open and started firing on the unsuspecting people milling about the lobby. Luckily, no one was killed, as Biff had terrible aim. They screamed and dove for cover, or ran from the building. Biff quickly ran out of ammunition and realized, too late, he'd brought nothing extra.

He dove through the glass doors on the front of his building. More people screamed and scattered, but many onlookers simply looked on. What was this man doing waving around two very illegal-looking weapons, but not actually firing them?

Biff shoved a man off his scooter. When a motorcycle isn't immediately on hand, anything with two wheels will do. He took off, heading toward a local grocery store. An action hero becomes mighty thirsty after running down 30 flights of stairs and diving through a pane of glass. He drove the scooter straight through the large glass window of the grocery. Was everything glass in this city? Thank God it was, thought Biff, I have no time for doors!

Police sirens sounded in the distance. He was running out of time! And still had no idea who exactly he was looking for!

His eyes grew wide and wild, and he turned on the stunned store clerk.

"I'll find them and make them pay!"

The store clerk straightened up, and put on his own pair of sunglasses. He bent over and quickly withdrew a carton from behind the counter. A carton of delicious egg nog.

"No, Mr. Bafferson... you'll never find them."

It was a good thing no one else was in the grocery at that point, because they would never have believed what they saw next.

The clerk drew his arm back, and with the calm air of a criminal mastermind, lobbed the carton of delicious egg nog directly at the face of Biff Bafferson. The force of the impact caused the carton to split open, but not explode, sticking to his face. Stunned at the impact, Biff fell backwards onto the floor. Confused by this unexpected turn of events, our hero died tragically... drowned in a carton of delicious egg nog.

The police arrived, hearing nothing more than a story of illegal guns and a stolen scooter. They found a man on the floor, face concealed by a half-breathed carton of egg nog. They looked at the store clerk, who still wore his sunglasses. A moment of silence passed, and then the first police officer also slid on a pair of sunglasses.

"We'll take it from here."

The store clerk nodded.

Biff Bafferson's name was removed from his mailbox, which was suspiciously free of graffiti when the police returned to his apartment building. A hero died tragically, but at least his action socks were clean.

Story Type: High Octane Action Story

Must Include: Someone who only uses M4s, the location: Abu Dhabi, UAE - 0400 hours, and a carton of delicious egg nog

Must use the phrase: “You just fucked with the wrong guy’s mailbox!”

Bonus: Someone uses the egg nog as a lethal weapon.


  1. Leila, I didn't think anything could top the fruit rhyme, but I was so wrong!!!! This is hysterical! Great character building and I love the whole fourth wall exploding in your face action that's here. You = ultimate win. Expect your next assignment shortly. :D

  2. Haha, thanks! :D I finished it and I wasn't sure if I liked it, but that assignment was definitely more challenging than the previous two. I'm excited to see what you throw at me next...

    Thanks SO MUCH for helping me. :)